Love without fear, is it possible?
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Love without fear, is it possible?
Love without fear, is it possible? This question probably accompany a lot of us. Ant today I ask Iza and Adrian to answer this question. They are marriage for 10 years already, 16 years together overall, so they definitely had much fear and anxiety in their relationship. Iza – as she describes herself – “Polish full-time mother”, and Adrian works with projects, is interested in diving and tennis, and especially, as he says, in family. I believe, that it will be conversation full of positive feelings and good content. I invite you to our today’s episode.
Hi! As I said, my today’s guests are Adrian and Iza. First question, that I’ll ask them, and to You, is: Can you love, or engage in any relationship, without feeling fear or anxiety? To that question, for the last time in this episode, will answer, the youth of Tuchów.
Answer of the youth
#1 Can you love and not feel fear? I think not. It seems to me that if we truly love someone, if we care for that person, if we want everything they have to have the best of everything, fear is a natural feeling, but it is such a positive fear, fear results from love, and everything that comes from love is good.
#2 I think it’s hard to enter into a new relationship, more serious, without fear, because we are afraid that we will lose the other person.
#3 I think not, because this fear is a bit of an indispensable part of building new relationships, getting to know someone, getting used to someone, which carries a risk of injury and a kind of natural reaction to the fact that this stranger may become become less stranger, more close, and at the same time, maybe this trust will be misplaced and that one can hurt. So that’s probably a natural part of building relationships – new especially – but whether it’s wrong or not, it depends on that particular fear.
Thanks for that opinions. And what is your opinion, what is your answer to this question?
As we talked with Adrian, I think that first we need to think, what kind of relationships there are, because there is variety of them. We, as a marriage, can think of male and female relationship in the first place, relationship of love, but we have many more kinds of relationship – question is, if can fear occur in them. There is child – parent relationship, there is work fellowship, friendship, child – parent, as I said, but parent towards the child can have many fears too. I think it’s hard to say, that there is any relationship without fear.
I’ll begin, with answer to question – “Can you engage in some relationship without fear?”. And definitely yes – you can. If we stood here, I could say, or we could say – yes you can. But there is another question: “what relationship is it?”. We can go further with this question: “what relationship is it?, Is it our first relationship? When we are young and crazy in love with our other half, when we engage in that relationship, there is no fear, there is only fascination.
Rose-tinted spectacles.
Precisely, rose-tinted spectacles.
Fascination, there is no such thing as fear. Fear may appear later. And Iza mentioned, that there are different kinds of relationships – I can say: there are different kinds of fear. So now, as we want to touch this topic, what kind of fear could it be, what kind of fear do we speak of here? We can talk about such fear, that we are afraid of losing other person for some reason. We can be afraid that we won’t be able to deal with that relationship, for some reason, that maybe we are too weak for such relationship, or we can’t match up to our partner’s expectations. There are many kinds of such fears, and we should distinguish, what fear it is, and in what relationship will it occur, what relationship will it be, because, as I said – if it is relationship, when we are young and crazy in love, we are in those rose-tinted spectacles…
We have never experienced any wounds
We have never experienced any wounds, so everything looks perfect, and that fear, it won’t occur instantly. Fear will come, as this relationship would develop, when it will be longer, because there is no fear at the beginning.
When it becomes more serious. We can touch this word a little bit, can we love, I mean, when this relationship isn’t one of many, but when we speak of love, that relationship will be more significant for us, that means, then we can say, that this fear, and some anxiety, will show up in that relationship, that is how I understand it.
Yes, it is natural, because the more we know other person, the easier it is to talk with them, it is easier to share different stuff, but on the other hand, we know what annoys them, we know their past, sometimes we may be afraid, that they won’t accept something about us. It also depends on how good do we know each other – if we don’t know each other well, the fears, that shows up, it is hard to fight them, it we don’t know each other.
Thanks for saying that, because it is word to each one of You, that are watching us, that still haven’t watched episode just about that – know, accept and love oneself, as we can see it is another fundament, that can help us understand today’s conversation. So you, who haven’t seen it yet, can watch that episode. What comes to me after what you said, is – that responsibility, for the other person, can make, that only when we feel responsible, feel that importance, that this person is important to us, then there comes some kind of fear.
Certainly, because, if there is such responsibility, there must be fear about that other person. You could say, it is necessary, that this fear occurs, because when there is such fear, it means, that we care about that relationship. In this puzzle, that relationship is, one peace of the puzzle is my wife, the other one is me. So I care about her, I care about relationship, but I care not only about relationship as a relationship, but about my wife. But in what context can I be afraid? Here we can return to those kind of fear and here I would like to touch our witness, because we, being 10 years in marriage (this year we will be 10 years together). In the relationship we don’t experience that fear every day, we don’t think about the fear about relationship, but the other thing is fear about one another, about what the future brings, about the future. There is care about the health for example, about wealth, etc., if we would be happy with one another at old age etc. There are many such things, but everything depends on our relationship level, on how many years we are together. This fear will look completely different at the beginning and different for example now, for us.
In marriage. In conclusion of this first part of our conversation, that fear, that anxiety, will be changing, with level of the relationship that we step on. So most of people tat watches us, are young people – studies, high school – beginnings of the relationships, and here we talk with the marriage, with 10 years of experience, and it is completely different now I guess, so if you would describe it every year that fears would change in time, we need to remember that. We should go to the second question, because we already said, that you can engage in relationship without feeling fear, but it is impossible to last and love in relationship without it. Why is that so? And first, that question – according to our tradition – is for you.
Answer of the youth
#4 Should fear be a reason to break a bond or a relationship? No. It shouldn’t be, I don’t think there is any solution. We often do this that we are afraid of openness, we are afraid of trust, we are afraid of hurting another person, and at that moment we break relationships, we break ties, with the fact that it is not good for us or good for the other person. It shouldn’t be that we end up finishing something that is important to us out of fear. In such a situation, the best solution is to talk and overcome this fear, which is certainly not easy, but it will certainly have better results than breaking the relationship.
#5 I think that fear should not be the cause of breaking the relationship with another person, because sometimes our fear is only ours, just invented by us – we think something, and in fact, after the conversation it turns out that there is really nothing to be afraid of.
#6 It seems to me that in such a case, when this fear evokes further negative emotions and feelings, maybe it is actually a good alarm signal – is I afraid of that someone, or I fear for myself, for my health – and maybe be a reason to stop something, but in such a healthy relationship building this fear will be, but it may turn into the fact that I trust someone more and more and this fear diminishes. And then it seems to me that it is natural and the initial fear is not a reason to delete someone from your life immediately and completely cancel this relationship.
Thanks a lot. Now I come back to you. So why cant we avoid that, and why lack of what fear should let us know, that something is wrong.
Fear
Yes
Here as well, I think, beginning – first association, when I got two words: “love” and “fear”, words from Bible comes to me, from saint John: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear”. It associate with punishment, but if there is true love, that true love drives out fear. Here you should say about maturity – if we really love each other, and we can’t love perfectly, we can only reach some moment, where we get rid of some fears, some fears will disappear, but some will still reside in us. We can’t avoid it, because our love is not perfect. We can be almost saint, we can be great, but we still live on earth, and we still can have an accident, danger, illness, anything else, and you would really have to have unbelivebly big and perfect love, to accept other person without objections. We, even though we are together for so long, still – as in every marriage – there still is some dissension, it’s not perfect, we don’t always forgive every bad words right up front, someone says something, I say: “good, you said something wrong, but I’m not mad at you at all” – sulk lasts for three days. That was said jestingly. We are afraid of being hurt too. We live on earth among other people, there are lots of relationships in school age. Parent – child relationship or me – peers relationship. We experience many wounds, many unpleasant situations, and human’s nature is such that he don’t reveal himself instantly, do what you want with me, and I’ll forgive you, I’m generous, and not afraid of anything. When someone hurts us, we automatically will start to hide, we will be afraid that other person can hurt us again. And engaging in this relationship, we remember those things from the past, that someone hut us that way, that someone didn’t accept us and we felt bad about it, we often have low self-esteem. When we have low self-esteem – what you said – recurring topic, if I don’t accept myself, I wont be able to be in relationship without fear. Conversely, if I don’t accept myself, I will always live in some fear, stress, that I’ll do something wrong, that I’ll say something wrong, so it’s impossible to avoid.
And it will last all the time. And how would you address to such relationship, as parent in relation to Kuba and Werka?
That relationship is such, I mean the amount of fear is such, because there are such moments when it is really good, and we are not afraid of anything, that’s about how our life with kids looks like,but there are moments, when we, as parents, start to wonder if we don’t make any mistakes during upbringing our kids. Since this program is for youth, maybe some parent will watch it. It is worth to ask yourself question if I, as a parent, think, that what I did as a parent toward my child, was it all fulfilled only with love, or maybe there was not only love, but also some other things. I can absolutely bet, that answer will be, that it wasn’t always only love. And it goes that way also in our case, and when there is no such love towards child, it suddenly turns out, that this fear shows up. Fear that maybe we upbring our kid not the way we should, or if our kid will cope, if I, as a parent, could give my child enough not only love, but also wisdom, life experience to make it through life on his own.
You talk about parents, but I know, that some “older youth” are watching us, that stand on the doorstep of such decision, that’s why I wanted to touch that topic. Now I think we are approaching another question, it falls into place so smoothly. Should negative emotions, that shows up, make us withdraw from all of it? And should we – in your opinion – pull over from hard relationships, maybe not even hard ones, but such that make us feel that fear, and anxiety. Or maybe how you do it – do you have some inclinations to step back or maybe to make another step forward?
Answers of the youth
#7 Is it worth overcoming fear in love? It’s definitely worth it. If we open up to another person, trust them 100%, fear will go into the background and then we will feel this true happiness. Somewhere there will be this fear, although there will be something more than that – there will be love.
#8 I think it is worth overcoming this fear, because it makes us lose a very important relationship and, as we know, it can only seem to us. How do you overcome this fear? Just by talking to the other person.
#9 It seems to me that it is worth it, primarily because even if something fails a dozen or so times, this is another person, this next relationship may turn out to be groundbreaking, valuable and amazing and give rise to further good experiences, some relationships, some memories and so on. And that it is difficult to overcome it, well this is another matter, it seems to me that the only right way here is to talk, be friends to each other, not enemies and build it in a shared time, space, to give understanding, empathy and being just for yourself, not against yourself, and this can bring about something good, even if previous experiences do not show it, then maybe the next one is the one for which to overcome this fear of a new relationship and a new person.
Thank you for that last answer in this episode, and for the last answer I want to ask you. Should we make a step back or rather it should be step forward, when it is relationship that we care about.
As you said, step back is a step back, so we move backwards. And when we make a step forward we advance with it. Firstly I would like to accent, that emotions, and fear is an emotion – emotions first of all: are not subjected to moral evaluaton, that means, if I’m scared of something, that doesn’t mean that it is bad; secondly: our emotion indicates some state in me, shows some problem, or my body, my psyche, sends me some kind of signal, that there is something in me, that disturbs, because it has some deeper reasons, so absolutely, you can’t draw back in the first moment, you should analyze and know, where this fear comes from, is it because I’m afraid of loosing the other person, because something is wrong with me, that this person will reject me, won’t accept me. If it is so, why can’t I accept myself, why am I afraid that they will reject me, maybe I have my own problems, with accepting the way I am. Maybe – as we talked at the beginning about different kinds of fear – you need to get to the bottom line? Ok, I’m afraid of something it that relationship, but what is it, and where it comes from. The better we know ourselves the better decision we will make, about where to go in our relationship. But if, for example, there was situation, where I got involved with someone, who abused me or treated me bad, then it is completely natural, to be afraid for myself, and that fear is good, because it shows us, that someone did something to me, my psyche and body warns me: “be careful with such people”, so automatically you need to analyze it that fear comes form me, or from experience, because I already had it, then you need to think if you can find it in your heart to fight that fear, and trust someone for the second time, because it may be hard – in hard relationships, in hard involvements, such relationships sometimes occurs.
And what would you tell young, teenage person, or even “beginning student” that already has some friendship, has some relationship, and slowly those rose-tinted spectacles starts to go off, some more serious feelings starts, but there comes a sentence, that you can often hear in talk with friends: “I’m not making another step, because I’m afraid that I could hurt someone, so I would rather leave it, not to hurt the other person”?
I will give my advice, because I thin we went trough it many times. As a matter of fact, before we became a marriage, we were in relationship for six years, as girlfriend and boyfriend, so we know the drill about such – let’s call it – fears. On my own example, I was really afraid, when we were in the second year of our relationship, I was really afraid, I was anxious, about two things: first concern, was that I will be less important for my girlfriend, than her friends – that was my first big concern; and the second one: that I will be less important for my girlfriend than the God, because these days my wife had much better relationship with God than I had, and I was jealous, and jealousy comes directly form fear, because fear springs out as a result of something, in this case, as a result of me not being able to see myself as an important person in relation to my girlfriend, then I felt like I was worse. Generally, did I give up on our relationship? Well, I didn’t. I did what Iza said, I made that step forward, maybe we did it together, because it would be hard to say I made it on my own, we made that step together, we just started talking about that, We talked about where that fear comes from, well Iza had her own fears too, where they come from, and what can we do about it. And we made it, we overcame them, and if I was supposed to address some words to young people it would be: If you have any fears, some concerns, you should talk about it with each other, where that concern comes from, and sometimes it won’t be just one talk, sometimes it will be many months of tedious talks, reasoning, even pushing that other person, trying to tell them, what I really care about, and what am I scared of.
And nobody said that talk would be easy
Of course not.
I just wanted to say, that you need to add: “let’s not be afraid of difficult answers”, because sometimes we want to avoid what is uncomfortable, for example I won’t give up – as you said that Iza had better relationship with Lord Jesus – I won’t give up on faith in God, because of our relationship, because God is in the first place for me and I think, that anyone of us here, wouldn’t like to give up, wouldn’t even think of giving up on Christ, because of anything else that comes to us in our lives.
Of course! Then I knew, that something like that couldn’t happen, I didn’t want it to happen, but I had to rise to it, I had to search in myself, I don’t know, maybe that faith too, because after all, thanks to that talks, thanks to what happened later, I became much more believing, so it brought verry positive result, I am convinced, that such, and other miracles may happen, if – when that fear shows up – we won’t make step back, but step forward.
You will never reach the summit, if you only walk the valleys right? Because you may get scared, that it is steep or high
And that you can fall
Or that you can fall. Progress comes only when we go forward, not when we move backwards
Great! I think, that with that statement, and that cool parallel to mountains, (I love mountains, so I love such parallels)
We too!
We can finish this episode (that’s definitely why Iza came with such parallel). Thank you wary much for this conversation, and thank you, that you were with us in this 7th episode, and come back in a month, for another, 8th episode, where, I’m not gonna lie, cool thing are going to happen, and we will meet not in Toruń, but in town we haven’t, seen each other yet. So see you next month! God bless! Bye!
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